JCVD - Nowhere to Run #Commentary.

I'm currently watching Nowhere to Run, with Jean-Claude Van Damme.
It just started.
I haven't seen this one before.

The first thing I have to say is: pervert alert!
What kind of hero walks up to some stranger's house and watches them take a shower? And then breaks in?
He stole something, I'm sure.
10 minutes in and I'm already not liking his character. (although I'm sure he'll save the day and everyone'll love him in the end... no one will know he's a friggin perv)

Apparently he was sent to jail for something he didn't do.
I'm thinking he should've been sent to jail for something else.
Like... perviness.

(10 minutes later)

He's going back to the house!!
What is wrong with this guy? He just randomly walked by, and now he's obsessed with this decent looking stranger.
And he broke in again?
Oh.. my god.
Is this a horror film? Is he going to slaughter the family?
He's a horrible stalker. Keeps on knocking everything over. And the son thinks he's E.T. (which makes me laugh, cuz it's the kid from Signs.)

"You like boobs?"


F**king Shakespeare-stuff, this.


Oh, now he's naked.

I see a muscled butt.
And the little sister saw the other side.

Wow. People should stay away from this guy.


Here we go. I sense the first fight scene is about to start.
And yes. I was right. Who's the better fighter? Jean-Claude or ... Jet Li?
I say mr. Muscles from Brussels.
Although, he's not great here. No martial arts? WHAT THE HECK, people who made this movie!!?
I want high kicks and unnecessary jumps!!


"Who ARE you?"

"I'm the guy who peeps at you when you shower."

Ok, he didn't say that. He should've. Now she likes him. Foolish woman.


Shower scene. She's seen his schlong. Now she's screwed. No going back now.

And now they're talking about his genitals at the dinner table.
If my daughter said: "He's got a big penis", I would've been a little bit alarmed. Like, why has my daughter seen his penis? But this lady seems to be cool with it.

How come Jean-Claude was naked so much in all his movies?

Was that a part of his contract?

...I don't mind, I'm just sayin'.

(15 minutes later)

Ok, so he just saved the neighbours' lives, and is walking through the fire to get back to the weirdo family. I love how they look at him, like: wooooow! OoO

I wonder if the director told them to treat him like a God.
"Talk about his genitals and muscles in a generous way.. and uhm.. when you look at him, make sure to look like you're in awe.. Drooling is ok. But don't touch him. Not yet."
We all know he's not a dick though. Cuz we've seen JCVD, the movie.
Oscar worthy, if you ask me.

I hate how families in movies always have videos of everything, and how f-ing perfect they try to make it look.
They're skipping through a green park, holding hands, laughing at some joke about cheese. Maybe a dog comes along, and the kid is like: Dad, can we keep him?
Of course! Cuz this is the picture perfect life we used to have before everything turned to shit, son!


"Strike three! You're out!"
Cuz he hit him with a wooden stick.


Mookie? The son is called Mookie?


(I love when men speak french. Which is completely random, because he doesn't even speak french in this film. Btw, don't you just love that his parents in Universal Soldier don't have an accent? Like, we could hire actors with french accents... but... nah. Too much work. Brilliant)

Right, so, the movie's almost over.
---Woah, he just jumped from the ground up on his bike in slow motion. Wtf was that?
One bad guy down, two to go. Too bad they're all old and boring.
Where's the challenge, man?
"I saved you from these old guys with beer guts. Aren't I amazing?"
Times like these, I miss Dolph.

Oh, the old guy hurt the kid. Now he's going down.

And down he went.

"Au revoir... F**ker"

He actually said that.



The End.



Long live 90's action movies!

Postat av: Billy

Now I feel like watching Speed and Courage Under Fire :D

2010-10-28 @ 00:34:43
Postat av: Maxie

I re-watched Speed not too long ago. It's still friggin great =P Can't believe Sandra Bullock is in that movie. Kinda like how Jennifer Aniston is in "Leprechaun". -_-;; un-fuckin-believable.

2010-10-28 @ 02:09:53
URL: http://maxiemagyx.blogg.se/

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